January 2012
36 posts
To the one reading this,
maybe you’re reading this because of the title or maybe you’re reading this because you always take the time to read my posts (thank you if you do!). I feel as though I should let you know that I began this year with all intention of ending my life before I got to my 17th birthday in October. Somehow I made it through. Somehow something managed to delay that. But that doesn’t...
I wish I was one of those people writing posts about the fun and exciting things that have happened this year. Or about how many people have helped them have a great, fun year. But I am unable to do so because I spent all of this year experiencing new, terrifying emotions.
I don’t know what 2012 has written for me. I don’t know if things are going to get worse or if things are going...
December 2011
54 posts
Day 59
littlelanguor:
“I don’t want to just exist. I want to matter. At my funeral, I want people to miss me and cry their sad little eyes out. I want them to be sad that I’m gone but happy that they knew me when they’re out on a walk and see something that reminds them of me. I want them to go to parties and wonder how much more fun it would’ve been if I had been there. I want them to imagine me...
1 tag
I wish you were near so you’d look at me the way you do - the way you look at me and immediately I’d feel confident, because these people have left me feeling worthless again.
I hate that I miss you so much.
Truth is I'm not getting better. I'm just getting...
1 tag
I’m slowly starting to accept my body and how I look and the first thing people mention when they meet me here is how ‘fat’ or ‘thick’ I’ve gotten.
FUCK YOU ALL. YOU ARE THE REASON I’VE HATED MYSELF FOR SO LONG. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
Finally: Internet access.
I’m so happy now that my Uncle’s nephew gave me the password to his Internet. Now while I sit here trying not to itch these mosquito bites, I can scroll down my dash and catch up on my TV shows.
I can’t wait until I get back to Canada.
2 hours!
In 2 hours I’ll be headed to the airport with my mom and sister to travel almost 10 hours to visit my daddy for 3 weeks.
Hopefully I’ll be able to update my blog while I’m there.
Things to do tonight:
Finish writing Christmas cards.
Not think about how much I’m going to miss you.
Get my eyebrows done.
Not think about how much I’m going to miss you.
Pack for like the 10th time.
Start missing you.
Do some homework in case I have questions for my Biology teacher.
Come up with ways to not miss you.
Make reminders for the things I have to do in school tomorrow.
Miss...
It's obvious.
It’s obvious that you don’t feel anything close to mutual to what I feel for you. And you never will because I will never be enough for you. You deserve someone smart, beautiful and simply amazing not someone who is completely broken and unfixable. I’m a quitter and I don’t deserve someone as amazing as you.
I’m so stupid; I’m setting myself up for hurt in the...
1 tag
Finally. I get to cry alone.
Crying is all I can resort to at the moment. Not cutting, even though cutting is what I need to do.
I hope the weeks away from him starting from Friday when I leave will dissipate these inexplicable and unnecessary feelings because nothing will change my father’s opinion.
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“I love the ground under his feet, and the air over his head, and everything he...”
– Emily Bronte
1 tag
2 tags
One of the scariest feelings in life is when you...
darknessengulfing:
And this is somewhere I NEVER want to be again.
Me too ^
I don’t know how to describe tonight without mentioning too many details or revealing things that probably don’t mean anything. I’d say that this last trip was the best one yet; better than the other two years before with that douche bag. I think it’s because I was with you all night.
Now I’m going to think about you until I finally fall asleep. I’m preparing...
I’m going to go dig a hole in my backyard and lay in it until I die.
72290.) My dad would kill me if he knew I danced...
He’s mixed but lol the relevance of this.
You continue to amaze me everyday.
To see you so carefree and cheerful makes me really happy. These few days you’ve been showing a side of you that I honestly never saw before. And I’m glad that you have the ability to be that way because I don’t like it when you’re stressing yourself for no reason or when you say and do things that make me want to cry for you. I like this you; the one that is able to dance...
Busy, busy SO busy. And, PS. YOU need to stop!
I just got home from an after school meeting with a group that wants to start up the school newspaper, but an online version since the school is low on money. I think this will give me a good opportunity to expand my writing and the teacher that is helping with the web design even said that it’ll look good on resumes!
I don’t have much time to spare since I have to get ready to...
1 tag
Coldplay- The Scientist
I can't.
I can’t keep doing silly things anymore. Earlier, I realized that this is moving way too fast and I know that it’s going to end like it did last year. I’m trying to stay away from you but ‘my feelings’ for you has me running around trying to find you everywhere. I don’t have ‘feelings’ for you. It’s a lie. I’m lying to myself when I say...
3 tags
When You Look Me In The Eyes
Seriously, dad?
I expect better from you.
1 tag
Listen
Am I not allowed any privacy in this house?
I can’t stress enough how much I can’t wait to move away from these people. Not only do I get yelled constantly for unnecessary things but I can’t even get any damn privacy.
My mother is such a nosy human being. I simply can’t comprehend why when she sees my things lying around she HAS to go through every single thing. Am I doing something wrong? Why is she always looking...
You don't know what you do to me...
I can’t find the right words to describe this feeling. You annoy me, you frustrate me, you make me so angry and I think I hate you. This is the confusing part because even though you make me feel like that I still can’t stay away from you. I can hear you from across the room and feel 100% giddy and these stupid butterflies swarm my stomach when my eyes fall on you and you’re...